I hate this.
I hate how I hate myself. I hate how I don't find someone I can trust. I hate not being able to stop thinking. I hate not being able to make the ones around me understand how I feel, what I went (and I'm going) through. I hate how they just judge me for what the see form outside.
Yes, I act different from what I used to.
I hate how the stupid ideas of beauty this society creates end up in my mind as the right stuff.
I hate that so much. It makes me hate myself when I look in a mirror, it even makes me hate myself in people's eyes. What can I do? Even though I have my own ideas and moral, I'm surrounded with that shit and eventually I believe it like everybody else does.
I used to be pretty strong or that's what people told me and I only believed.
Where is that strength?
This summer's been shitty. I've become so insecure about myself and people's opinions actually hurt me. Sometimes they're playing around... but it still hurts. All the comments about if I've gained weight this past year, about if I should take more seriously some kind of abs workout, comparing me to the other girls, laughing at my stories from Canada, imitating the words or expressions that I've brought home with me...
It probably looks dumb for you, but it comes to be me and I don't like the feeling of being hurt.
After writing some posts explaining how I feel and how hurtful solitude is, almost no one cares. They keep finding ways to laugh at the things I wrote about. Why? Do they know how I'm inside?
I can't explain myself right now, I'm quite lost.. I know nothing lasts forever but I hate how I live in a village ("with complex of city") and everyone is soooo closed minded it bothers me.
School is about to start and I don't feel rested or ready to give my best. Anyways, I'm working my butt off to achieve my goals. It might sound mean or selfish but not knowing what degree I want to take, I do know I want to leave this town. I want to get out of here, as soon as possible.
It's late and I should go to sleep, so i'll come back to blow off steam writing in here but i really hope i find someone to trust and call and talk to.